Doctor, "What seems to be the problem?"

Patient, "Doc, I've got the farts. I mean I fart all the time,"

The Doctor nods, "Hmm."

Patient, "My farts do not stink and you can't hear them. It's just that I fart all the time. Look, we've been talking here for about 10 minutes and I've farted five times. You didn't hear them and you don't smell them, do you?"
"Hmm," says the Doctor,

He picks up his pad and writes out a prescription.

The patient is thrilled "Great doc. This prescription, will it really clear up my farts?"

"No," sighs the Doctor, "The prescription is to clear your sinuses. Next week I want you back here for a hearing test."

The teacher asked little Johnny to use the word " definitely " in a sentence.

Little Johnny replies, "Teacher, do farts have lumps in them?"

The Teacher says, "Of course not Johnny,"

To which Johnny replies, "Then I have definitely s**t my pants"

A few months ago, there was an opening with theCIA for an assassin. These highly classified positions are hard to fill, and there's a lotof testing and background checks involved before you can even be considered for theposition. After sending some applicants through the background checks, training andtesting, they narrowed the possible choices down to two men and a woman, but only oneposition was available.

The day came for the final test to see whichpeson would get the extremely secretive job. The CIA men administering the test took oneof the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun. "We must know that you willfollow our instructions whatever the circumstances," they explained. "Insidethis room, you will find your wife sitting in a chair. Take this gun and killher." The man looked horrified and said, "You can't beserious! I could never shoot my wife!" "Well," said theCIA man, "you're definitely not the right man for this job then."

So they brought the second man to the same doorand handed him a gun. "We must know that you will follow instructions no matter whatthe circumstances," they explained to the second man. "Inside you willfind your wife sitting in a chair. Take this gun and kill her." Thesecond man looked a bit shocked, but nevertheless took the gun and went in the room. Allwas quiet for about 5 minutes; then the door opened. The man came out of the roomwith tears in his eyes. "I tried to shoot her; I just couldn't pull the triggerand shoot my wife. I guess I'm not the right man for the job."

"No," the CIA man replied, "Youdon't have what it takes. Take your wife and go home."

Now they only had the woman left to test.They led her to the same door to the same room and handed her the same gun. "We must be sure that you will follow instructions no matter what the circumstances;this is your final test. Inside you will find your husband sitting in a chair. Takethis gun and kill him." The woman took the gun and opened the door. Before the dooreven closed all the way, the CIA men heard the gun start firing, one shot after anotherfor 13 shots. Then all hell broke loose in the room. They heard screaming, rashing,and banging on the walls. This went on for several minutes; then all wentquiet.

The door opened slowly, and there stood the woman. She wiped the sweatfrom her brow and said, "You guys didn't tell me the gun was loaded withblanks. I had to beat the son of a bitch to death with the chair!"